i don't have epiphanies very often. i just tend to go about life intently but somewhat absent-mindedly, trying to figure things out but always inadvertently losing the thread. for me, it usually take a moment of sheer randomness, of thinking about nothing at all, to produce an insight that is at once simple enough and momentous enough to truly earn the mantle of epiphany.
the other day, i had one of those moments. i was sitting at the gym, waiting for BoyCat to arrive. i sat on a small bench in the hallway, opposite a wall of mirrors and circuit machines. i still had my work clothes on, and my bags were piled haphazardly on my lap and the seat next to me. i was leaning against the wall, and i had my left ankle propped up on my right knee. i remember these details because i was looking at myself in the mirror at the moment the thought struck - at the moment where a single statement announced itself in my brain, appropo of nothing and coming from nowhere.
"i don't like myself."
and that was it. i actually continued to stare at myself in the mirror for a few moments while my brain ran damage control against the epiphany - a blurry rush of "oh stop it of course you like yourself that's ridiculous don't be stupid." but for some reason i could see all that for what it was - excuses, and half-hearted protest - and i realized that it was true. i don't like myself. it wasn't always this way, but it is now, and i have to figure out how i became a person that i don't like. i have to retrace a lot of my steps and figure out what got me here. i need to re-examine and re-imagine. i have to talk with people that i love and trust, get advice and opinions and ideas. i need to make some changes.
more to come.