Monday, January 14, 2008

long story short.

i'm not sure how to explain this.

for starters, can i just say? therapy? is a good thing. do you have a therapist? well, go get one. because everyone - and i mean everyone, yes even you - could benefit from some quality time with an impartial observer. i've done therapy before, and right now i'm doing it again - this time i'm trying to get a handle on some aspects of my life that make me feel, at best, out of whack and at worst, out of control.

in the course of trying to get a handle on said w(h)ackiness, i've come to some interesting realizations about how i'm actually living life. i know, imagine that - how you live can affect how you feel! rocket science. and yet sometimes, the brain, it wants to avoid these these little life truths - probably because it thinks it's living just fine, thank you, as long as enabling your own neuroses, hang ups, and bad habits is the goal.

but you know, i've gone against a bit of my brain grain and said hey, that's not my goal! i don't want to feel like this anymore!

and my therapist kinda said, well, what're you going to do about it?

she said this in a nice way, of course.

so, long (and somewhat more private) story short, i've decided that one of the things that i really need to do is gain some perspective on what role writing plays in my life and why. i've always been pretty good at writing, and it seems like i've always been writing in some capacity - in school, at work, in my free time. in my life thus far, writing has served as that "thing that i do" -and more to the point, that thing that i'm good at. but underneath all the good grades and good jobs and validation and approval that writing has gotten me, i think i've lost track of the real question: do i really like to write? if this whole enterprise wasn't providing a sort of order and method of achievement for me, if it wasn't providing a space for me to prove that i can keep grabbing brass rings and "doing well," would i want to keep doing it?

in order to find out, i've got to quit. for a while. three months is the rough time frame i've decided on for now - a sabbatical from blogging, from pitching articles, from thinking about where my writing should be taking me or what it should be doing for me. of course, it's a somewhat imperfect plan, because i still spend eight hours a day writing at work, but it's something - and i think it will help.

so, my merry little band of loyal readers, i appreciate the fact that you've read what i've had to say here, whether it's been over the last two weeks or the last two years. if i were a betting woman, i'd say that i'll be back eventually - i have a sneaking suspicion that there is something more to all this, and that it's just buried under a pile of accumulated, um, issues. and i will definitely check back in three months time regardless and let you know how this little life experiment is going.

ok. that's it. thanks again, friends, and see you around blogland.

edited to add: wow. i hit publish thirty seconds ago and i already feel guilty. seems like i'm getting my money's worth from my weekly co-pay, that's for sure...

Saturday, January 12, 2008

do you hate chris matthews?

does the sound of his voice on the television make you want to run screaming from the room?

me too!

so check it, and do your civic duty. or something approximately like it.

if only asshole pundits like matthews actually had to face the electorate every two to four years, right...

Friday, January 11, 2008

friday cat blogging, the adorableness edition.

CatCat, taking a nap with her friend mr. hippo.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

this is sad.

so wednesday, i went to the gym and lifted weights in the first time since forever. ok, for the first time since last april.

when i walked out of the gym around 7:30 am, i thought "hey, that wasn't so bad."

today, when i got up at 6:30 and attempted to pull a shirt on over my head, i thought "oh my god did someone beat my arms and chest with a meat mallet while i slept??"

you'd think i would've noticed an occurance like that; however, the deep denial over severity of my muscular atrophy led me to consider such possibilities.

and for the record, they still hurt. ow.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

so i've been thinking.

what a surprise.

i overthink a lot of things. i think about a lot, a lot, a lot of things. i rarely underthink things (but that is something else all together). i am also fairly tired, so this attempt at putting various elements of my recent thinking/overthinking onto the proverbial page might be somewhat scattered. another surprise, i know.

so, this blog. as we've all noticed, it's kind of...blah lately. i've pointed this out before, and talked about how i'm not going to force myself to write, and said i should just use this space as an opportunity to write when i'd like to write, blah blah blah. but the truth? i do feel an obligation to posting somewhat regularly on here, regardless of how many readers i have or how irrational that sense of obligation may seem. whereas early on in my blogging life, that obligation tended to function in a more positive way, spurring me to read more widely around the blogosphere and try to add something to the discussion - enterprises which were both enriching in their own way, of course. but now that obligation is starting to seem both more futile and more tedious. there are fewer and fewer days when i am writing on here because i want to; there are more and more days when i am writing on here because i feel i have to. (and no need for reassurances about expectations - i know that ultimately there are none - i know i'm the only one putting this weirdo pressure on myself.)

i am thinking about this particular situation in a broader context - one in which i'm trying to consider a number of ideas and questions about my life and how i'm living it. what motivates me, really? what do i like to do? what do i want to do? what are my goals really all about?

these questions, at this point, aren't being met with any shiny happy answers - lately i've started coming into some interesting mental territory regarding my own personal hang-ups, weaknesses, and confusions and begun trying to really examine what might be at the heart of a lot of these shortcomings. i could say more about this - and maybe i will. i feel like if this blog is going to be useful, interesting, and beneficial to me (and really, to be honest, to anyone else) in the near future, i'm going to have to decide if i'm brave enough to start writing through a lot of this stuff instead of just thinking through it. because (in an obnoxious, confusing, meta kind of way) these questions and how i investigate/answer them will be central to how i decide to keep being a writer. or if i decide to keep being a writer.

so anyway. i just wanted to do a little direct audience address here to my little readership and let you in on a bit of where my head is at. i know the blog hasn't really been its usual self lately, and i wish i could say it'll be back to its usual self shortly. but i'm not sure. thanks for hanging in with me, though, while i haphazardly shuffle around, destinationless, trying to figure it out.

Friday, January 04, 2008

friday cat blogging, guest kitty edition.

just because this lolcat shit still makes me laugh...

a good first friday cat blogging of the year, for all my lovely readers who perhaps did not have the best 2007. onward and upward.

silly rabbit...

...there's no such thing as a "rape culture."

Of course not.

thanks to TMZ, one of the most popular gossip sites in the world, for that little reminder.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

a thought.

i am going to be so sick of wolf blitzer's voice by the end of the night, i might just die from the psychic pain.

then again, as i have caught BoyCat's monster cold, "the end of the night" could be about 45 minutes from now. less than an hour i just might be able to handle.

honestly, i'm just so relieved that we're starting this thing. for real. people are casting ballots! (well, republican people are casting little slips of paper than function as secret ballots. democrats are just milling around. but whatever.) it seems like this campaign season has been going on for 17 years already, so i kinda can't believe something's actually happening. of course, given the country's collective hunger for something other than stump speeches and talking head pontificiations, i'm certain we will make far too much out of whatever the results of the caucuses are. barack wins! he's got the nomination sewn up! hillary wins! she's got the nomination sewn up! let's just have the general tomorrow! etc etc and so on.

but whatever. i'll watch with bated breath tonight anyway. until i pass out from the cold meds and/or tim russert's inanity, that is.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

mama pajama, et al.

so, in his generous propagation of the 2007 meme, toast noted that the song of 2007 for him is "Here It Goes Again" by Ok Go. he says it's the

Greatest video ever made and just a kick-ass tune. The kind of song I put on when I absolutely need to be happy Right Now.

this got me thinking, and during my commute today i pondered the question. what song would i put on if i needed to get happy right now? this seemed like the kind of information that could come in handy some day.

after hours (ok, numerous minutes) of deliberation, i have decided that that song for me is "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" by Paul Simon.

(i have no idea what's up with the 30-second rap intro here - or the video in general, to be honest. but it's the only one of the original recording on youtube, and beggars can't be choosers.)

deep down, i think i really just want to be rosie, queen of corona. because whatever the hell that means, it sounds like it'd be a lot of fun.

so what's yours?