disturbing.

i talked to SisterCat today, and she asked me to talk to her about my post yesterday, because she thought it was disturbing. it's funny, because i hadn't thought about it as "disturbing" per se, but when i think about it, i can see from where that choice of adjective on her part is coming.

because really, it is a "disturbing" realization to have. i was literally and figuratively disturbed by the notion that i might not like myself. but as i said to her today, in a way, i'm glad to have had that mental disturbance happen. epiphanies, by their nature, tend to be catalysts, and i am hoping that this is no exception. i'm almost relieved to have been able to crystallize all the hazy, nebulous feelings that i've been having over the last few months into something identifiable - that i've been able to pinpoint the problem. and now that i've done that, i can start to begin to back into all the reasons why i don't like myself, and try to start remedying them.

i have some ideas, and i have some news that goes along with those ideas. i really don't mean to leave you hanging with that, but i want to give it more attention here than i can at the moment. so, more soon.