Tuesday, December 18, 2007

santa? baby?

ok, so my family? they are kind of crazy. you know, like your family. and this craziness results in me sitting here at quarter of nine at night, not really having the energy to hop onto blogger and typey-type, but feeling as if certain members of my family will start harassing me if i do not.

let me explain.

MomCat and SisterCat both got a kick out of my Seasame Street related linkage last month. much discussion of alistair cookie and pipe chomping ensued. then, this past weekend, they were down in the New York area hanging out with some extended Cat family. On the wall of AuntCat's house was the following holiday decoration:



you might notice a particular piece of smoking apparatus in the clutches of an alleged children's character, which evokes shades of our dear alistair cookie himself. this similarity apparently prompted what can only be labeled a very strange (and most likely wine-induced) brainstorming session of all the ways in which santa claus himself is, in fact, not suitable for toddlers. my family was so amused by themselves that they felt the need to call me immediately, dictate the following list of offending qualities, and instruct me to post it to my blog. as i am but a humble servant, here - as requested - is a list of all the reasons santa is a poor role model:


  • the pipe-smoking (obviously)

  • morbid obesity (again, evident)

  • poor work ethic (one night a year? seriously?)

  • human rights abuser (he runs a sweatshop for midgets in the arctic)

  • animal abuser (PETA would stage a rescue for those reindeer, for sure)

  • misogynist (calling 'em "hos" won't get you anywhere with the ladies)

  • threat to national security (violates airspace regulations all the time)

  • fire hazard (fat men in chimneys = not very safety conscious)

  • criminally negligent (no helmet? no seat belt? no service)

  • peeping tom (he sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake)

  • and last but not least, a convict (that is, if they ever brought him up on breaking and entering charges)


so there you have it. why santa is a bad, bad man, or, how my family spent their saturday night! i've gotta say - they have a point. or eleven.

1 comment:

Mike said...

I have it on good authority that Santa has begun using the Patch.