this just in.

The Ninth Gate is a horrible movie. laughably so. when it was over, BoyCat said, "i can't believe that actually got two stars."

however, spending a late saturday afternoon on halloween weekend watching a bad movie about the devil is actually pretty damn enjoyable. there is something pleasantly hedonistic about spending most of the day in yoga pants, half-horizontal on the couch, and killing time with something completely unproductive.

however, as a classifiable (certifiable?) "type a" person, relaxing is not something that comes easily to me. it's something with which i struggle: how to balance out the satisfying productivity - the kind that comes from working, running, getting errands done and things organized, moving forward with writing on this blog and elsewhere - with the satisfying unproductivity that comes from listening to the little voice saying, "it's ok to lay here on the couch for another hour. really." i'm always afraid that if i give in to that little voice too often, that it will get louder and more demanding, that my intellectual drive and curiosity will atrophy, and that eventually i'll spend all my time watching sportscenter, vh1, and lifetime movies. of course, this - like most of my fears and dubious prophetic predictions - is highly unlikely to happen. and yet i still have a hard time shaking the guilt of a day spent doing almost nothing, even though in reality i need those days every so often.

like so many other things in my life, i find this comes back to balance and figuring out how the hell to get some. because i feel perpetually off-balance. i mean this literally as well as metaphorically - those who know me can attest to my predisposition to nearly tipping over, apropo of nothing. i look constantly for some way to smooth things out, to quiet the keeling of the boat. and even the things that i know, rationally, will help - an afternoon of johnny depp and pajama pants, for instance - still manage to fill me with ambivalence and vague anxiety.

isn't it probably the case that if i can't figure out a way to stop feeling anxious about relaxing, there's little hope for me and my desired balanced life? probably. i should work on that.

oh wait...or i shouldn't. and just relax.

i don't know.