as i count down the minutes til the next ugly betty episode (41, in case you were wondering), i would like to share a problem that i'm having with you all. well, not a problem that i have with you all per se, but i want to share it. with you all. yes? ok.
i am beginning to have the sneaking suspicion that my career doesn't actually make me very happy. before the chorus of howling laughter begins, let me say that i know that puts me in line with easily three-quarters of the population, but still. i'm 26, i'm in a stable relationship, i have two degrees and what i would consider a decent capacity for, you know, functioning. i feel as though i should be able to find something to do for eight hours a day that i enjoy. and for which i will be paid a living wage. i guess it's in the combination of the last two sentences where the difficulty lies.
grantwriting. a perfectly serviceable profession. utilizes my strongest skill set, always in demand, and based in the non-profit world where there's the most chance for my toiling to do some basic good in the world. seems like a winner, right? right. except that for the last few weeks, i've been going to work feeling like i'm dragging a weight with me - i spend my days feeling like i'm slogging through knee-high water. in the parlance of our times: i'm just not feeling it.
i wondered, after the chaos and craziness fest that was my last place of employment, whether my nagging ambivalence was not just lethargy due to my surroundings - a kind of defense mechanism, if you will. why get invested in the well-being of a clearly sinking ship, right? so when i left there, when i got here to dc and got another grantwriting job i thought, "ok. now we'll see." and i fear i'm jumping the gun with these worries that what i'm seeing is that i'm not satisfied. i mean, is three months really enough time? logically it doesn't seem so. but internally, gutturally, the signals are pretty strong. this work is not engaging me, it's not motivating me, it's not bringing me any real sense of fulfillment or accomplishment.
so what to do? i have no plans just to run off and join cirque de soleil at the moment, but i'm trying not to hide from this uneasiness, either. because if i'm truly rethinking everything, then this issue needs to be wrestled with somehow. if i were to do something else, what would it be? what would that look like? is it even feasible? practical? desirable?
it's hard, because even just typing those questions kinda scares me. it's a daunting idea, a career change, even at the relatively early career stage i'm in currently - i've seen how hard it is to do firsthand. it takes hard work, and a kind of determination and slight foolhardiness that i think i all but used up in orchestrating the move out here. honestly, it's tough to muster up the wherewithal just to lay out the problem on the table, much less figure out how to solve it.
but i'm trying.