Friday, March 24, 2006

a post on Being Upset.

technically, BC was not just Upset, as we were a lower seed than villanova. so the punning quality of my title is not exactly, well, quality. but i need to write this anyway.

so, yeah, BC just got beat in overtime by one point with three seconds on the clock. it was an excruciatingly painful moment to watch, that ball being inbounded and the whistle being blown. i don't want to dwell on it. what i'm more concerned about right now about why i am so upset.

i am a pretty serious sports fan, so it's not unusual for me to get worked up about a game. i was freaking out during the first round of the NCAA tournament two weeks ago. i freaked out watching a pats-dolphins game during monday night football in 2004 - it wasn't even really an important game, but it was close, and i found myself at 11:30 at night, jumping up and down on BoyCat's bed, shrieking silently because all his housemates were asleep. i freaked out during the Snow Game in 2002 - i was at a friend's graduation party at a bar he had rented out, and the bartender stayed on to let us watch the end of the game. i was jumping around like a crazy person while wearing three-inch heel knee-high boots, so i paid for it the next day. and we don't even need to get into the level of freak-out that happened during game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. seriously, that goes beyond freak-out and into clinical mental breakdown.

so, it's not that i'm surprised about being upset by the outcome of a sporting event. i'm disappointed that BC lost (and even more so at the fashion in which they lost), and i'm bummed i took a tumble in my march madness pool. but hey, it was ten bucks - i'm not going to have to go on food stamps over this. so why this tightness in my chest, this sinking feeling in my stomach?

i really don't know. i think i'm lonely. BoyCat is doing his thing at his job and internship, and that's great, and i've kinda gotten used to the schedule. some nights, it doesn't sink in that i'm here by myself until he's almost home anyway. but tonight? i feel kinda alone, and not in a good "ah, got the place to myself" way. in an "i'm lonely" way. it makes me remember that i don't have that many friends in this city. i do have some, and they're great, but unless they clone themselves tomorrow, it still won't equal "many" and i don't see them that much as it is. it makes me remember that i don't have that many friends, period. again, this is largely a self-imposed situation (what can i say, i'm picky), but in lonlier moments one can start to feel bad about that.

i'm also reminded, though it's a friday night and this should be the last thing on my mind, that i kinda hate my job and it kinda stresses me out every waking day of my life. in that sense, i have a hard time looking forward to anything. i mean, i know i won't be in this job forever - maybe i won't even be in it six months from now - but i still can't look forward to the future with any kind of optimism. i just sit here and feel like i don't have the skill set right now to move up into a job in the field that i want, and i don't want to just keep doing what i'm doing, but i also don't want to go back to making a pittance for a hard day's work.

and hell - even if (probably non-existent) god came down here, sat next to me on the couch and said, "whatever your dream job is, you've got it. just say the word, and i'll make it so." you know what? i wouldn't know what to tell him (forgive the judeo-christian gendering here, it's residual). i don't know what i want to do, and i'm afraid of floating through life on that sad, aimless, ineffectual notion.

so here i sit, in my nice warm apartment in a great city, with my sweet little cat sitting next to me, waiting for my wonderful boyfriend to come home, with money in the bank and good plans for the weekend, but whining like a baby. i see the ridiculousness here, i do. and yet, all i can hear is the droning hum of the refrigerator and the clack of the keys under my fingers. all i can see is the dust in the corners that i haven't swept and the junk that i haven't cleared away. all i can feel is something heavy, pushing down on me like the beginning of a bad dream. and my team lost.

i lost.


Amy said...

I picked BC to win it all. I'm feeling your pain but not in as much a sentimental way :)

If it makes you feel any better...I have a shitty ex husband and a lot of unpacking to do :) Does that make your life a bit better?



Toast said...

I just upgraded you to third on my "Blog Butter" roll (the elite of my blog roll) behind only Shakes and Salkowitz. Why? Because yours is the blog I honestly enjoy reading the third most. So there.

You're young. You're gonna get that lonely existential bite more often than most. You're not alone though. K?

I do wish you could have won without B.C. winning, dammit.

BTW, I know it's early, but if you ever get back to Beantown (or the general New England area) for shit, Tracy and I would love to meet you for a few beers.

barb said...

Oh yeah, I know that feeling! It's morning now and it's probably passed right? Things always look less dire in soft morning light. I wish I could say something more comforting.

dorothy rothschild said...

I can't offer much understanding about the sports loss, cause I don't watch sports. Evah. That is a result, I believe of complete overdose as a child in Texas.

The other issues, I really do know exactly what you're writing about here. And I've had conversations with several good friends about this stuff recently.

The person who gains fulfillment out of a job is a rare person. A lucky person. Most of us will not have that. So what to do?

Either you decide you're going to be one of those people who has the meaningful, fulfilling job and go after one of them, or you find something else to pour that energy into. You seem to be pretty good at writing. Maybe that's your thing? Or maybe it's getting involved in volunteering with a women's shelter. Or teaching people who can't how to read. Or training for a marathon.

My job tormented me until I got my thing figured out. Now it's a means to an end, and so, is much less hateful.

As far as the scattered busy friends phenomenon, that has happened with my circle of friends also as we've all moved into our mid and late 30's. These are people I used to see almost every day, and certainly every weekend. We were always at the bar. We used to rent a place together for a week in the summer. But people have settled down. We stay in touch by email, and see each other once every couple of months. It really is not the same.

So, I've had to push myself and seek out some people who were on the periphery of that circle who were feeling the same way. Lonely and increasingly friendless. So I have now fewer friends, but they are closer friends. We go to dinner, and have a couple of drinks after work.

It's hard, but it's getting better.

kate.d. said...

you all are too kind to me. i apologize in advance for the times that i will post blahdy-blah complaints like this in the future :) because i know that i happiness and Being Upset duke it out in my mind, Being Upset is always the easier thing to vent about in writing. but your nice words and wise thoughts are good to wake up to!

and i am feeling better this morning...though i did still wince when "60-59, OT" scuttled across my brain as soon as i woke up. ouch.

oh, and toast, it'd be great to meet you and tracy - and maybe, by the time we get around to it, little toast+tracy!

Toast said...

oh, and toast, it'd be great to meet you and tracy - and maybe, by the time we get around to it, little toast+tracy

Yeah, I just hope it's not little toast & tracy & max & sara & zack & lee &...

You know how IVF goes. Don't want to be "That couple from Connecticut that just had septuplets" on CNN...

Anonymous said...

how i wish these problems were mine :)

educand said...

I know I make it sound SO dead sexy in my blog, but if you're not happy in your job and don't feel you have the qualifications to seek another, have you considered going back to school? Actually, for all the griping, grad school's been very good for me, very much a push to a more sophisticated level of intellectual development, and hey! So much the better to have enriched one's career prospects on the other side.

hetherjw said...

I feel the same type of "Everything is fine but I am lost" feeling. All the time. Moving didn't help. Thanks for putting it into words and giving voice to the doubt that has followed my otherwise privileged life around like a ghost.